!!!

I think that it is so stupid when people live their whole lives through the internet.

What is wrong with me?

I woke up in the middle of the night really angry. I have no idea why except for the fact that I was wearing a thick hoodie and was really hot. I woke up and ate a bowl of pasta instead of my usual oatmeal. What is wrong with me?


Franny and Zooey are my daily companions.

Threat Level

The terrorist threat level today is orange. I keep burping up cilantro. I was supposed to go to game night but ended up at Rathbuns. I got a B in Spanish and I am so happy that I could cry or scream or run in circles. I got terribly drunk last night on three glasses of white wine. Three REALLY delicious glasses of white wine. Terrible. My purse is full of candy. I made $9 in tips from coat check. I make most of my money in tips these days. Theeeeeeese Days. I don't know what to get my little brother for Christmas because I am broke and he has expensive taste. I am two gold boxes short. Make that $14 in tips from coat check. Two missed calls. Two new voice mails. I want to eat IKEA. Why? Not quite sure. You made it safe.

Obama 08'

I stepped outside my Mom's front door at 5:25. It was still dark outside but I wasn't afraid of the night. Simon taught me not to be afraid. He used to stay up all night drinking coffee and reading. Sometimes I would stay up with him and we would swing at some church or visit our beaver dam. A few times we sat on a dock staring up at the moon. When I arrived at the polling place this morning, Starr's Mill poll #13, the only people there were two elderly poll workers. They were surprised to see a voter so early. I was surprised that they were surprised. The poll opened at 7:00; I voted and walked out the door at 7:04. I was the first person to vote and I was proud.

Scheduled

I have exactly 15 minutes to write this and get how I feel across before my next class. My life is consumed by schedule. I always have somewhere to be or something that I am supposed to be doing. It is starting to wear me down. I am full and bored and tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. I want more time to myself. I want everyone to stand still around me until I get my life figured out; then they will be allowed to resume. These are some of the things I hate right now. I hate the library and the computers contained within it. I hate the color blue. I hate onions. And as always I hate money. I am going to my Mom's house tonight. That should be interesting...

Jill Is Hot

My body feels tired like when you are a kid and you swim all day at the neighborhood pool. My sisters and I used to eat Goldfish and one time my sister threw them back up in the pool. They closed the pool for an hour so they could clean it. That summer we had a babysitter who lived with us. Her name was Jill and some of the boys from the neighborhood spray painted "Jill is hot" on the bridge outside of our neighborhood. Jill slept in our spare bedroom and spent every night talking on the phone to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend smoked and I remember wondering how in the world she would want a boyfriend that smoked. Jill gave me a glamour shot of her lying on her stomach surrounded by stuffed cows. I thought she was beautiful. That summer I tripped jumping through the sprinkler and cut my foot open pretty badly. Jill looked really scared. The teenage boys who spray painted "Jill is hot" would ring our doorbell at night asking for her. I would ride my bicycle for hours in a circle around the driveway because I wasn't allowed to go in the street. After a long rain I would bring my Barbies outside so that they could swim in the puddles. I pretended they were camping. My Barbies were always everywhere and I remember my mom yelling at me to clean them up. One day I cleaned out the bottom of my closet and made it my house within a house. I tied flashlights from hangars and sometimes I would sleep in there. That summer I almost drowned when my sister flipped me over in an innertube and I couldn't get myself out. The power went out that summer and I was allowed to eat as many popsicles and icecream sandwiches as I could stomach. I can remember the shock and excitement of my mom handing me the entire box. It will forever be the best summer of my life. I didn't care about boys or money or what I was going to be when I grew up. I didn't know the meaning of cool and I was entirely myself. I did what I wanted without worrying what anyone thought. My only friends were my sisters and I liked it that way.

Like forever.com

I should really stop reading your livejournal. Like forever.com. I'm not looking forward to my birthday this year. I am sad about it because I really love birthdays. Especially mine. I guess I'm not excited because I don't feel like anyone will care. I'm excited to see Howard Finster's house. I am excited for Halloween. I'm gonna be a mermaid. Fuck you Sarah Palin. I wish I owned my own house. I wish alot of things actually. Most of which will never happen. They don't have to happen for me to be happy though. I just always want my way.

The Tippy Top

On my toes.....the tippy top.

Things that I bought for myself today,

The new Nylon with Zooey Deschanel on the cover.
National Geographic with Spain on the cover.
A new spin toothbrush plus toothpaste.
Paper.
Double sided tape.
An ink pad.

What I really need to buy is a life. Oh, and an A in Spanish.

Less and Less

I miss you less and less everyday.

Bought Out

Rathbuns was bought out for tonight. Thank you Charles Schwab for affording me the privilege of getting paid to type this. They probably used their last dollars to throw this investment party. I hope that it was worth it for them in the end. I want Reinares and YOU to be my new lover. I can see it going well.

October

There are so many things that I should be doing other than writing this. I should be writing a story and a paper about metaphor. I should be conjugating verbs and showering. I should be walking and driving and screaming and smashing. I should be cleaning. I should be deciding what I am going to wear tomorrow. I should be reading Flannery O'Connor's story "A Good Man Is Hard to Find."

October is going to bring good things. Pumpkins, my birthday, candy, costumes, cool weather, the mountains and leaves. All I want is for it to be October. Nothing can go wrong in the month of October.

Who Would Want A Blind Girl?

I fear that I am going blind. My eyes get all red all the time and sometimes they get blurry. They hurt and itch and sometimes it is all too much. Every now and again I turn out all the lights and try to imagine that I really am blind. I grope the room a little while until I can't stand it anymore and then I allow myself to turn the lights on again. Or as Benjy would say, I let the room come back. I think about who would still be my friend if I were blind and how my life might work. Then I freak myself out too bad and I watch TV for a good 30 minutes to an hour so that I will stop thinking about it. After all...who would want a blind girl?

The End of the World

This morning I knew what the end of the world will be like. Shapes falling from the sky destroying everything in their path. This will happen for hours until the finale. The sky will illuminate with a thin band of light that will cover the horizon. Alien images will appear and that one final shape will fall. I know who survives. And when they do....they all go swimming in a pool filled with ocean water and live off of bananas they find in their neighbor's apartment.

Beatles Radio

Every time I look out of the window I imagine people jumping off of the buildings. I can attribute this mostly to September 11th and The Happening. For some reason images of suicide really stick with me. I am wearing one of Heather's over sized sweaters and staring at the address for Dr. Holman's daughter that is taped right behind the computer. She lives in California. Dr. Holman lives in Decatur. So does Heather.

I'm not really looking forward to going home but I am ready to leave Georgia State. Spanish was especially annoying and incomprehensible today and so was work. I don't understand anything lately. My brain moves slow and so I want to just give up. I am surprised that I was even able to write this without giving up and erasing it all. I haven't been getting enough sleep and I have been drinking too much caffeine.

L.E.S. Aritistes by Santogold

L.E.S. Artistes :
What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm tryin to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop tryin to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

Chorus:
I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for all the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

Chorus

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of
Santogold

I don't give a care....or is it fuck? Care or fuck? Lets just stick with fuck.

It rained all day yesterday and I know that I control the weather. You will never be able to convince me otherwise. I am chewing on a flax seed trying to figure out the best way for me to convey the myriad of feelings that surge through me at any given moment. I hope that this doesn't last much longer. I won't feel guilty that I didn't pine away for you. I won't feel guilty when I don't care what you are doing or how your day was. I won't feel guilty that I can't help you.

I watched two movies yesterday in a futile attempt to escape reality. The first was Lost in Translation. I have seen the movie before but all that I could keep thinking about was how unattractive Bill Murray is. I never did understand what Scarlett Johanson saw in him. Probably I just didn't care. The second movie was How She Move. I have nothing to say except how the fuck did that car get on stage? I spent the entire movie dwelling on the unrealistic aspects of the movie.

I want to push over a tree. I want to pull down my ceiling fan.
I feel like running a marathon and I feel like sleeping forever.
And right now I don't give a fuck if it is all going to get better.

Dooooooooomsday

Tonight I am at my sisters apartment. Candace and Chase are desperately searching for a Blockbuster dvd called Doomsday. Doooooomsday. Chase said that not being able to find the dvd really chapped his ass. Hahaha. He said it twice. Lambo told me that he watched the dvd and then hid it under the bed. Then he smoked a cigarette.

"Maybe it's in all this fucking mail you threw down here! My autotrader!"

I am being so loud. And HILARIOUS. We leave for Charleston tomorrow. I am in a creative mood. I want to read some poetry and make something. Make you happy. Make some pancakes. Make a new Metro PCS cell phone.

Orange

Danielle and I had a good talk on the way home from Karaoke Melody. It is good to know that other women my age are perceiving the world around them the same way. I guess you can just open up after standing infront of a sea of orange to belt out the lyrics, "hot sex in the third degree, get served while you're servin' me." I honestly never realized how dirty that song was. I also never realized how alcoholic sake is.

I still checked my phone every five minutes but at least I was out. I was myself.
Tonight Skye and I are going to an art opening and Antoinette's party. This is how it will happen, in no particular order: skater neff, drunkeness, drama, excitement, drama, cleavage, art, did I mention drunk people? and a long late night drive home. I honestly cannot wait.

Tomorrow: mission: kidnap Brantley.

I am an Ocean

My sister and I have decided that it is very likely that we are the only people in the world right now that make sense. I tried to explain to her the concept of Crazy Town and how she must have moved in as my new neighbor but I don't think that she quite understood.

I am an ocean, I am the moon. I wax and wane. Flow and eb. But mostly I am big and far away and beautiful. I am full of life and zest and adventure. I am one of a kind. I can be warm and cold. Dark and Light. I am vast and mysterious and I mostly just loom. Loom. Loom. I put you to sleep with the hum of my consistency.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Sleep and do not dream.

Time Travel

My stomach aches. That happens sometimes when I let life get the best of me. I have been talking to my sister alot. I like talking to her because we can be completely honest with each other. Talking to her is like time traveling back to when life was easy. The time in my life when I always made the grade, the squad, the superlative. Now I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't make anyone happy. I am stretched too thin.

Single

Main Entry: single
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: Without a spouse.
Synonyms: fancy-free, footloose, lone, sole, spouseless, unattached, unmarried, unwed
Idioms: footloose and fancy-free

It is a new experience to mourn a love that could have been. I can't cry. All I can do is keep going. Keep moving. Keep my head up. Keep keep keepin on.

My finger looks disgusting. I want to cut it off.

Crawford Long

Yesterday morning I cut my thumb pretty badly. I let my inability to stand still get the best of me and I tried to dig hard brownies out of a pan. I spent the entire day fretting over my finger trying to decide whether or not I needed stitches. The whole ordeal reminds me of a Sylvia Plath poem except with a little less thrill and alot more frustration.


Cut


What a thrill -
My thumb instead of an onion.
The top quite gone
Except for a sort of hinge

Of skin,
A flap like a hat,
Dead white.
Then that red plush.

Little pilgrim,
The Indian's axed your scalp.
Your turkey wattle
Carpet rolls

Straight from the heart.
I step on it,
Clutching my bottle
Of pink fizz. A celebration, this is.
Out of a gap
A million soldiers run,
Redcoats, every one.

Whose side are they one?
O my
Homunculus, I am ill.
I have taken a pill to kill

The thin
Papery feeling.
Saboteur,
Kamikaze man -

The stain on your
Gauze Ku Klux Klan
Babushka
Darkens and tarnishes and when
The balled
Pulp of your heart
Confronts its small
Mill of silence

How you jump -
Trepanned veteran,
Dirty girl,
Thumb stump.

Sylvia Plath

Once expert opinions had been distributed and considered I went to the hospital. A hospital in the heart of Atlanta at 10:00 at night is filled with interesting people.
Purple bandanas, huge melons and little red slippers. It is also filled with surprise powdered doughnuts, coke, hangman and silly jokes about silly things. Two hours later, sugar high finally wearing off, my fingered was glued back into position and I was thankful for friends and insurance.

Me "She cut bangs."
Johnathon " She cut bangs? What are you, a caveman?"
Me "No....She cut baaaaangs"

The Other Woman

I had a wonderful night with J. Trav. My favorite moment was when he announced to the room for everyone to watch his new favorite thing to do. He then proceeded to casually hand Rebekah an envelope, and then violently hit it out of her hand. It was the funniest thing that happened all week. Maybe it is one of those moments that doesn't translate when retold and is therefore void of funny, but I am still laughing while the moment replays in my mind.

This week I have been listening to alot of Devendra. I got the album a while ago (thank you Lee) but have only recently paid close attention to the lyrical content. I feel this song is as close to my situation as any song will ever get. I realized the beauty in this song on my long drive to work.

"I walk with my head down
I mumble all the words
I keep my feelings to myself only

I never stand my ground
I just stand around
If you love me then why won't you hold me

Everything and everyone around me is changing
Now that I've been the other woman

Your music rides ten horses in the sky
And gallops through the evening
You, you have no side for me to stand by
In space, I see you and her

And everything and everyone around me is changing
Now that I've been the other woman
Oh now that I've been the other woman

Like a newlywed hummingbird
Building its home
Stick by stick above the river

You are green, you are red
You are purple you are blue
You are gold you are silver

Well my eyes are made of lemons
My tears are made of limes
You love me, you hate me, I'm losing my mind

I've sailed the sea of love aboard the ship of hopes
I'm a skipper, I'm the captain, I'm the crew

And everything and everyone around me is changing
Now that I've been the other woman
Oh now that I am the other woman

I will always be the other woman
I'll never be the only woman
The only woman..."

The Other Woman by Devendra Banhart

I am sitting at the breakfast table with Sam and he is eating the leftover pancakes that I made just for him yesterday morning. He hasn't quite mastered the fork yet and is having me poke each piece of pancake so that he can akwardly steer the sharp metal towards his tiny mouth. It makes me nervous every time he does it. We both take pleasure when he tries to make a sentence, such as, "Courtney...play..." I then say...."Do you want to get down from the table and go play?" His face illuminates and he says as clear as an adult, "Yes!" It makes me so happy that I understand and that he knows that I understand. If only that could work with everyone else in my life. They could try to explain a situation, I could understand, and they would exclaim, "Yes!" Both of our hearts would soar from workable communication and for that brief moment all would be right with the world. I am so glad that it is Friday. I have nothing to do tomorrow and I want to walk alot and take pictures. My sister just texted me so maybe I will see her. I also want to clean. First my room, then the kitchen, then my bathroom. Maybe I will bake something too. All very interesting brilliant ideas flowing from my extremely interesting and brilliant mind.

-"Courtney...milk...."
-"Do you want me to pour you some more milk?"
-"Yes!"

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

The Cambrian Sea

I want to die but am I even alive? The future is pulling harder and faster than ever. Tomorrow I am going to court for criminal trespassing. I am scared. I want to flee the country. Go on the lamb. Run for my life. The life that I don't even want. That I can't even handle.

Girl of Today

road trippin

Last night I had three different dreams about Polaroid film. The most memorable consisted of me stumbling upon a sale of the film in which if you bought two packs you got the third free. OF COURSE there were only two packs of the film that I wanted left. In the end though I was just happy to be buying the film at all.


I am going on a road trip tomorrow and I am so excited!!!!
Things I must tonight in preparation:
get a new phone
oil change and tire rotation
pick up the D80
clean out my car
wash clothes
pack clothes
get or make snacks for the road
pick up the gps
take a shower
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

vegetables

This morning I forgot my veggie burgers and lima beans so I had to stop by Kroger on my way to my sister's house. It took me about 20 seconds to grab what I needed and head to the register. The woman in front of me was having some problem checking out and the cashier had to walk two separate times across the store to check prices. After waiting 15 minutes I began to grow impatient as the time closed in on 8:00. I then realize that everything is taking so long because the woman in front of me is paying with a welfare check. Alright, I think to myself. No problem. As I am walking out to my car I see the woman who paid with the welfare check loading her groceries into a brand new fully loaded Dodge Magnum. !?!!?!?!?!?! I almost walked up to her to scream in her ear.

As she pulled off the of the dark interstate the parking lot of cars surrounding her quickly became slumbering vampires. Light reflective vampires just waiting for the perfect moment to bite, the perfect moment to ruin an already dense and hateful day. To her vampires always lead to zombies and falling, finally death. Followed furiously by every rejection, and every fear about growing old. Quickly curbed by overwhelming anger. The kind that flows through fists and takes control. Teeth gritted ready to swing. Ready for contact. Is this the stuff that life is made of?

Fit

Sister like Mom
Like Sister like Mom
On and on
It goes on and on
And in and out
In then the out
I push harder
You say harder
Harder
Hardest
Harden
Fuck it.
Like someone once said,
the dead are dancing with the dead.

is this it?

I am itchy all over. I hate mosquitos. I wonder what purpose they serve in nature. I am going to see my Mom on Saturday. I haven't seen her in over a month. I am stupid. I am excited that it is Friday and I am excited that I have no plans except for taking Skye and her Mom to the airport. I just want to be alone and lay in my cold bedroom and watch a movie. Did I mention that I want to be alone? All I can think about is how much I want to be alone.

I need to find something yellow. I probably won't go but if I do I need to find something yellow. Last night I went looking for yellow. I ended up with a large diet cherry limeade, a large jar of pickles, and a large empty feeling in my heart and stomach. Empty. Empty. Empty.

this is love

My life has flipped upside down. I want Sarah to be here. I want to take her picture and sing songs and drink cherry limeade. I want her to tell me that it will all be okay and that she will love me no matter what the outcome. I want to hear about her trip and talk about dreams and laugh until we cry.

Inspiration

Sarah has inspired me to create this blog. I need some outlet to express my random thinking and since this is the year 2008 and since I spend way too much time on the computer anyways why not create a blog?

so... well...here it goes...