Beatles Radio

Every time I look out of the window I imagine people jumping off of the buildings. I can attribute this mostly to September 11th and The Happening. For some reason images of suicide really stick with me. I am wearing one of Heather's over sized sweaters and staring at the address for Dr. Holman's daughter that is taped right behind the computer. She lives in California. Dr. Holman lives in Decatur. So does Heather.

I'm not really looking forward to going home but I am ready to leave Georgia State. Spanish was especially annoying and incomprehensible today and so was work. I don't understand anything lately. My brain moves slow and so I want to just give up. I am surprised that I was even able to write this without giving up and erasing it all. I haven't been getting enough sleep and I have been drinking too much caffeine.

L.E.S. Aritistes by Santogold

L.E.S. Artistes :
What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm tryin to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop tryin to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

Chorus:
I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for all the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

Chorus

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of
Santogold

I don't give a care....or is it fuck? Care or fuck? Lets just stick with fuck.

It rained all day yesterday and I know that I control the weather. You will never be able to convince me otherwise. I am chewing on a flax seed trying to figure out the best way for me to convey the myriad of feelings that surge through me at any given moment. I hope that this doesn't last much longer. I won't feel guilty that I didn't pine away for you. I won't feel guilty when I don't care what you are doing or how your day was. I won't feel guilty that I can't help you.

I watched two movies yesterday in a futile attempt to escape reality. The first was Lost in Translation. I have seen the movie before but all that I could keep thinking about was how unattractive Bill Murray is. I never did understand what Scarlett Johanson saw in him. Probably I just didn't care. The second movie was How She Move. I have nothing to say except how the fuck did that car get on stage? I spent the entire movie dwelling on the unrealistic aspects of the movie.

I want to push over a tree. I want to pull down my ceiling fan.
I feel like running a marathon and I feel like sleeping forever.
And right now I don't give a fuck if it is all going to get better.

Dooooooooomsday

Tonight I am at my sisters apartment. Candace and Chase are desperately searching for a Blockbuster dvd called Doomsday. Doooooomsday. Chase said that not being able to find the dvd really chapped his ass. Hahaha. He said it twice. Lambo told me that he watched the dvd and then hid it under the bed. Then he smoked a cigarette.

"Maybe it's in all this fucking mail you threw down here! My autotrader!"

I am being so loud. And HILARIOUS. We leave for Charleston tomorrow. I am in a creative mood. I want to read some poetry and make something. Make you happy. Make some pancakes. Make a new Metro PCS cell phone.

Orange

Danielle and I had a good talk on the way home from Karaoke Melody. It is good to know that other women my age are perceiving the world around them the same way. I guess you can just open up after standing infront of a sea of orange to belt out the lyrics, "hot sex in the third degree, get served while you're servin' me." I honestly never realized how dirty that song was. I also never realized how alcoholic sake is.

I still checked my phone every five minutes but at least I was out. I was myself.
Tonight Skye and I are going to an art opening and Antoinette's party. This is how it will happen, in no particular order: skater neff, drunkeness, drama, excitement, drama, cleavage, art, did I mention drunk people? and a long late night drive home. I honestly cannot wait.

Tomorrow: mission: kidnap Brantley.

I am an Ocean

My sister and I have decided that it is very likely that we are the only people in the world right now that make sense. I tried to explain to her the concept of Crazy Town and how she must have moved in as my new neighbor but I don't think that she quite understood.

I am an ocean, I am the moon. I wax and wane. Flow and eb. But mostly I am big and far away and beautiful. I am full of life and zest and adventure. I am one of a kind. I can be warm and cold. Dark and Light. I am vast and mysterious and I mostly just loom. Loom. Loom. I put you to sleep with the hum of my consistency.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Sleep and do not dream.

Time Travel

My stomach aches. That happens sometimes when I let life get the best of me. I have been talking to my sister alot. I like talking to her because we can be completely honest with each other. Talking to her is like time traveling back to when life was easy. The time in my life when I always made the grade, the squad, the superlative. Now I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't make anyone happy. I am stretched too thin.

Single

Main Entry: single
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: Without a spouse.
Synonyms: fancy-free, footloose, lone, sole, spouseless, unattached, unmarried, unwed
Idioms: footloose and fancy-free

It is a new experience to mourn a love that could have been. I can't cry. All I can do is keep going. Keep moving. Keep my head up. Keep keep keepin on.

My finger looks disgusting. I want to cut it off.

Crawford Long

Yesterday morning I cut my thumb pretty badly. I let my inability to stand still get the best of me and I tried to dig hard brownies out of a pan. I spent the entire day fretting over my finger trying to decide whether or not I needed stitches. The whole ordeal reminds me of a Sylvia Plath poem except with a little less thrill and alot more frustration.


Cut


What a thrill -
My thumb instead of an onion.
The top quite gone
Except for a sort of hinge

Of skin,
A flap like a hat,
Dead white.
Then that red plush.

Little pilgrim,
The Indian's axed your scalp.
Your turkey wattle
Carpet rolls

Straight from the heart.
I step on it,
Clutching my bottle
Of pink fizz. A celebration, this is.
Out of a gap
A million soldiers run,
Redcoats, every one.

Whose side are they one?
O my
Homunculus, I am ill.
I have taken a pill to kill

The thin
Papery feeling.
Saboteur,
Kamikaze man -

The stain on your
Gauze Ku Klux Klan
Babushka
Darkens and tarnishes and when
The balled
Pulp of your heart
Confronts its small
Mill of silence

How you jump -
Trepanned veteran,
Dirty girl,
Thumb stump.

Sylvia Plath

Once expert opinions had been distributed and considered I went to the hospital. A hospital in the heart of Atlanta at 10:00 at night is filled with interesting people.
Purple bandanas, huge melons and little red slippers. It is also filled with surprise powdered doughnuts, coke, hangman and silly jokes about silly things. Two hours later, sugar high finally wearing off, my fingered was glued back into position and I was thankful for friends and insurance.

Me "She cut bangs."
Johnathon " She cut bangs? What are you, a caveman?"
Me "No....She cut baaaaangs"

The Other Woman

I had a wonderful night with J. Trav. My favorite moment was when he announced to the room for everyone to watch his new favorite thing to do. He then proceeded to casually hand Rebekah an envelope, and then violently hit it out of her hand. It was the funniest thing that happened all week. Maybe it is one of those moments that doesn't translate when retold and is therefore void of funny, but I am still laughing while the moment replays in my mind.

This week I have been listening to alot of Devendra. I got the album a while ago (thank you Lee) but have only recently paid close attention to the lyrical content. I feel this song is as close to my situation as any song will ever get. I realized the beauty in this song on my long drive to work.

"I walk with my head down
I mumble all the words
I keep my feelings to myself only

I never stand my ground
I just stand around
If you love me then why won't you hold me

Everything and everyone around me is changing
Now that I've been the other woman

Your music rides ten horses in the sky
And gallops through the evening
You, you have no side for me to stand by
In space, I see you and her

And everything and everyone around me is changing
Now that I've been the other woman
Oh now that I've been the other woman

Like a newlywed hummingbird
Building its home
Stick by stick above the river

You are green, you are red
You are purple you are blue
You are gold you are silver

Well my eyes are made of lemons
My tears are made of limes
You love me, you hate me, I'm losing my mind

I've sailed the sea of love aboard the ship of hopes
I'm a skipper, I'm the captain, I'm the crew

And everything and everyone around me is changing
Now that I've been the other woman
Oh now that I am the other woman

I will always be the other woman
I'll never be the only woman
The only woman..."

The Other Woman by Devendra Banhart

I am sitting at the breakfast table with Sam and he is eating the leftover pancakes that I made just for him yesterday morning. He hasn't quite mastered the fork yet and is having me poke each piece of pancake so that he can akwardly steer the sharp metal towards his tiny mouth. It makes me nervous every time he does it. We both take pleasure when he tries to make a sentence, such as, "Courtney...play..." I then say...."Do you want to get down from the table and go play?" His face illuminates and he says as clear as an adult, "Yes!" It makes me so happy that I understand and that he knows that I understand. If only that could work with everyone else in my life. They could try to explain a situation, I could understand, and they would exclaim, "Yes!" Both of our hearts would soar from workable communication and for that brief moment all would be right with the world. I am so glad that it is Friday. I have nothing to do tomorrow and I want to walk alot and take pictures. My sister just texted me so maybe I will see her. I also want to clean. First my room, then the kitchen, then my bathroom. Maybe I will bake something too. All very interesting brilliant ideas flowing from my extremely interesting and brilliant mind.

-"Courtney...milk...."
-"Do you want me to pour you some more milk?"
-"Yes!"